


Emi

by aries_taurus



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: F/M, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Loss, Miscarriage, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-07
Updated: 2014-08-07
Packaged: 2018-02-12 05:08:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2096916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aries_taurus/pseuds/aries_taurus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I’m never going to be a dad,” he whispers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Emi

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story about loss, about grief and about pain. This is a loss very hard to express. 
> 
> I will never be a mom and my husband will never be a dad. We know this pain very well. We lost 3 unborn babies and we will never have another chance.
> 
> This is for my three little angels.
> 
> Unbeta'd

Loss

 

He figured Danny would eventually come looking for him. He doesn’t really mind but today, he can’t stand the thought of the office, of violence, of his job, of dealing with the world. He needs time to process, to absorb, to sort through all these _feelings_ and emotions raging through him. He just needs time. To grieve.

He doesn’t speak when Danny sits beside him in the sand.

“So, uh, you’re ditching work now?”

He shakes his head. “Not today, Danny, okay? Please. I can’t… do this.”

He knows Danny’s on alert now, because there’s no way he missed how his voice is rough and broken and weak.

“Babe? What’s the matter? Something happen?”

He bites his lip and nods, fresh tears pooling in his eyes and spilling down his cheeks. He doesn’t bother to hide them.

“Hey, hey, C’mon… pal, you okay? You wanna tell me what’s going on?”

He wipes his eyes and chokes on a sob, nodding his head.

“Cath, uh… She um… She was pregnant.”

“Was?”

“We hadn’t told anyone. She miscarried once last year, really early so… we were waiting. She uh… had pain last night. Went to the ER. The… The baby… The… it was in the wrong place. Her tube, I think.”

“Ah shit.”

“Yeah. So, um… they did surgery this morning. There… there was a complication.”

“What? Catherine’s…”

“No, no. She’s okay. But.. she started bleeding and... she’s okay, she’ll be fine but… They.. They had to remove her uterus. She’s okay, now, she’s sleeping, surgeon said she won’t wake up till tomorrow… But… She can’t… we won’t… She’ll never… so I came here.”

“Oh man. I’m so sorry”

“We lost the baby and we can never have another,” he says in a rush, tears falling thick and fast. “I’m never going to be a dad,” he whispers.

“Oh babe…” Danny says and he grabs his shoulder, drawing him close.

Danny doesn’t speak, just keeps his hand tight on his shoulder and he’s grateful.

He’d wanted kids, had been happy they were pregnant again, had figured lightning didn’t strike twice. Instead, they’d been hit by a tornado and his heart is shattered into a million pieces.

He can’t understand the pain in his soul. He doesn’t understand how losing something you never really had can hurt this much, but it does.

It hurts to breathe, to think; it hurts to live at this very moment.

“It’s okay babe. It’s okay,” Danny soothes as he falls apart, the pain too much to bear.

“Fuck… why the hell does this hurt so much?” he chokes out.

“You lost a child and a promise of fatherhood, all in one day. You wanted that little one, no matter how tiny it was and your heart doesn’t care it was the size of a peanut. That baby was your child and you loved it, from the moment it started to exist. Losing someone you love _hurts_ , period. It’s grief, and it hurts, babe. It fucking hurts and it will for a long while. You know that.”

“Yeah.”

“And you’re not alone. You and Cath… you’ll share a lot of that grief, but you’ve got me, Chin, Kono, hell even Max and Grover and Duke and Kamekona. We’re all here for you, okay? And one day, it you and Cath want, you can think about giving a child who needs parents that love you have. I know now’s not that time but one day, you’ll think about it and maybe there’s a child out there for you, maybe not. But for now, it’s okay to grieve and be pissed and be sad and all those things. And… I know what you’re feeling right now, at least to an extent.”

Steve gives him a frowning look but he can’t force words past the tightness in his throat.

“Rachel miscarried, when Grace was eighteen months old.”

Steve nods. He can’t speak, not yet.

“I won’t tell you it gets better really, because this is different. That… pain, it stays with you. I still think about that little one we lost. Rachel… she still cries, each year, when that day comes around. I still get choked up too, sometimes. But… it gets easier with time.”

Steve could only hope it was true.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.


End file.
